Tag Archives: loss

I Was Of Good Cheer This Morning Upon Awakening, Until….

Charleston SC.  A giant pall settled over me as I viewed the horrible news on CNN.

A great sadness for the families and for all the victims and all whose hearts they touched.

 

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In loving memory of children-whatever age they are

I’ve been following Mimi for 1 1/2 years now, and this post really got to me. I feel her feelings and commiserate. Hearing about children being harmed or dying, is too emotional for most people. Mimi’s description of her feelings regarding the topic is spot on. Thanks, Mimi, for this post.

psychologistmimi

In loving memory of children-whatever age they are

hawaii rainbow

Ever since I gave birth nearly seven years ago my appetite for the local news diminished. It may seem like a weird association but let me explain.  Before seven years ago, I could not get enough of the news. Any news channel. I loved CNN, MSNBC, local news channels.  Watching live news coverage helped me feel connected to an outside world. I felt in the know and in the now.

Then I gave birth to this little boy who came onto the world with his eyes wide open and filled with curiosity.  His first few seconds in this world I watched his eyes taking in everything. I had never seen anything like it.  The image is still seared into my brain.  I can run it over and over and never tire of it. He is almost seven now and I still watch…

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December 13, 1979 – August 11, 2012

This post is dedicated to my granddaughter, Jessica, who died 2 years ago today.

I hope you are resting comfortably, and in peace, my dear.  Your life was less than peaceful and was tumultuous in many ways.

Your appearance into the world was so exciting and so exhilarating.  You were my first grandchild.  A beautiful baby.  And I was instantly in love with you.

looking grandma in the eyes

No words can express…

Held by your great-grandmother.  How loving is that?

Held by your great-grandmother. How loving is that?

 

Surrounded by your loving family.

Surrounded by your loving family.

In your loving mother's arms in the flower garden.

In your loving mother’s arms in the flower garden.

First taste of watermelon. I couldn't pull it away.  You held on so tightly.  Loved it.

First taste of watermelon. I couldn’t pull it away. You held on so tightly. Loved it.

A professional photo.  What a smile!

A professional photo. What a smile!

Celebrating the holiday and celebrating your presence in our family.

Celebrating the holiday and celebrating your presence in our family.

You had a sense of humor.  Loved your silly face.

You had a sense of humor. Loved your silly face.

Clowning at grandma's house with that silly hat.

Clowning at grandma’s house with that silly hat.

A bouquet for your first ballet performance.

A bouquet for your first ballet performance.

Visiting grandma and grandpa in Florida.

Visiting grandma and grandpa in Florida.

Years flew by and you and your family finally moved down to Florida, too, and we reconnected as if it were just yesterday since we were together.  The years in Florida were not your best, actually the worst, and there were many problems, but you always knew how to smile in spite of them.

Health problems took over your life, and we watched you with feelings of great helplessness, as you slowly were failing, right in front of our eyes.

Love you, my Jessica.

Love you, my Jessica.

 

Widowhood: Staying Emotionally Healthy

So, here I am, a second-time widow.  It’s been a year and a half.  Has it been that long a passage of time?

Time doesn’t heal; it only smooths out the scars just a little.  If someone tells you “time heals,” they haven’t experienced the loss.  And we have to move forward.  Keeping time in place, like a soldier’s cadence:  left, right; left, right, is not emotionally healthy.  I am not one to sulk, cry, despair or pull out my hair figuratively.  I am still alive!  That, in itself, is cause to be happy – to celebrate.  Well, maybe celebrate is too strong a word right now.

I am very much alone when Bob’s not here to speak to, laugh with, discuss current events in our nation and in the world at large, share a TV program, laugh at the funny sitcoms, scream and shout at the TV about the unfairness in the nation and world, reported by newscasters.

He was a very warm, relaxed man, and enjoyed his life with me. We enjoyed each other.  He was a happy man, and it was my pleasure to keep him that way.

Bob was a very relaxed man.  He loved to be comfortable.  I always teased him that his middle name should be "comfort."

Bob was a very relaxed man. He loved to be comfortable. I always teased him that his middle name should be “comfort.”

Geographically, I’m not entirely alone:  my sister lives close by and my daughter lives only 15 minutes away, and my son lives 35 minutes away in the next county.  And my three cats have me laughing or succumbing to their affectionate antics so much of the time.

Bob and I came down to Florida at different times.  He moved from New Jersey a year and a half after his first wife died; I moved from New York about 2 years before, with my first husband, Dan.  Bob and I ended up in the same condo development after losing our spouses, and were forced to accept our station in life:  widowhood.

It was almost like a storybook way in which we met; actually, we didn’t meet in the strict sense.  We were introduced.

I lived in one building; he lived in another.  Condo living suited our single life at the time.

Sunrise Lakes Phase 4 - The Fairways in Sunrise, FL

Sunrise Lakes Phase 4 – The Fairways in Sunrise, FL

 

Overlooking lake and golf course.

Overlooking lake and golf course.

Bob was retired; I was working full time, and saved my cleaning for the weekend as most people do who work.  I developed the habit of going to the pool on Saturday afternoons.  There were lots of people in and around the pool and I befriended some nice women.  Conversation was struck up and, after a couple of months, they told me about “this nice single man” who lived in their building.  “Would you like to meet him?  We think the two of you would hit it off.”

I turned them down; my widowhood was still too fresh.  I couldn’t think of meeting anyone at that time.  After my refusal, they stopped talking about “him.”

Many months passed and, every so often, they brought up the subject again – I kept refusing.  I couldn’t take them seriously.  But one day, just to shut their mouths finally, I said, “OK.”

So, it was arranged.  I was to be at the pool at my usual time one Saturday, and they convinced Bob to be there, too.  Well, that particular Saturday, I had long phone calls from sister and daughter who were still living in New York, so I was delayed in getting over to the pool.  I was just getting ready to go over to the pool, when the phone rang again.  It was the two women.  “Carol, are you coming?  He’s here!”

"The pool."

“The pool.”

I finally got there, and the introductions took place.  Bob was a nice-looking man and his voice was smoothly masculine – nice to listen to.  The women had arranged the chairs just so:  we were facing each other.  (They were having a blast!)  They made themselves comfortable on their lounges next to the chairs, and we all chatted a bit.  In a couple of minutes, they stood up, held up little brown paper bags, announced they were going into the clubhouse to have their lunch, and left!!

Boy!  Talk about being left in the lurch.  Well, we made the best of it.  The usual chatter.  “Where are you from?  Do you have family?”  Etc.

During the long and enjoyable conversation (more than 2 hours), Bob mentioned that he cooked.  He suggested that he would cook dinner for me sometime(!).  Before I knew what was happening, words tumbled out of my mouth.  “I’m not doing anything this evening.”

He didn’t cook that night, but he did take me out for a nice dinner.  And so it began…